DM: hi I鈥檓 Emily and I live in your area 馃拫
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can鈥檛 see myself getting married again.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw鈥攚ait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you鈥檙e not 25 anymore
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I鈥檒l eat this fruit fly that鈥檚 been annoying me.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I鈥檓 wrong but I don鈥檛 think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Everybody鈥檚 big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I鈥檓 offering a reward for its safe return.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i鈥檓 sorry what
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”