4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
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*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Found the job I’m suited for
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.