If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
How did we not see this back then?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I