Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.