Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life