Woke up against my better judgement again
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
こいつ天才
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”