Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
The struggle is real.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.