I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.