[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”