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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*orders delivery*
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*