“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga