Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.