ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
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Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
they really do be looking like this
Cause of death: Zumba
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.