Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
never forget
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack