A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I laughed at this way too hard.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.