The second world war should have been called world war returns
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
#SaturdayBears
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.