I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.