It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
You Might Also Like
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]