Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.