I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life