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there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Just me and my debit card against the world
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system