Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “