People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Look at this
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.