You Might Also Like
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
This is a bad sign
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?