My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Do not levitate over flowers
Leaving the Barbers like
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it