In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.