My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
They did not miss in the small print
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.