I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to