Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.