I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me checking my bank balance online.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?