It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.