Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
You Might Also Like
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”