I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦