Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
You Might Also Like
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Breaking news:
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”