When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed