It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Squirrels before girls.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”