I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
😅🤣😂
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed