Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
absolute chaos
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.