[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.