mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise