Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Finally!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.