I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*romantically grabs husband鈥檚 face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
You鈥檙e right, teenagers: We don鈥檛 know what you鈥檙e going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Stonehinge
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I鈥檓 so excited, I鈥檝e never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place