For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…