So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
synchronized noseblowing
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.