*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human