I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Doctors texting each other.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.