When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
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Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
This fish is cracking me up
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”