Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.