“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
You Might Also Like
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Y’all know who you are.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…