If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Optional boss fight.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
just gave your address to some spiders
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.